Film Review: Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon is the third and final episode in the Transformers trilogy, once again directed by action-mayhem masochist, Michael Bay. In this installment, Bay has managed to do something that many thought was impossible - that is, to elevate the amount of deafening, explosive carnage to a level that makes the D-Day landings at Normandy look and sound like a 4 year-old's tea party. In a nutshell, this film is pure noise.

The adventure kicks off with a long lost Cybertronian spacecraft (The Ark) crash landing on the lunar surface in the 1950's, resulting in an intriguing counter-factual explanation for the race to put man on the moon. What Armstrong and Aldrin find is a deactivated Sentinel Prime, the original leader of the Autobots. Jumping to the present, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is given information about the Apollo cover story and the Autobots learn of The Ark, where they quickly set out to locate Sentinel Prime and bring him to Earth. However, once re-activated, Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy) doesn't turn out to be the moral leader he once was and the situation quickly devolves into another fight for the survival of humanity.

In typical Michael Bay style, the visual effects in this film are simply epic. Ear-piercing explosions literally rain down on the audience for the vast majority of the the 2 and a half hour runtime. Now I, for one, relish the spectacle of entire skyscrapers being consumed by gigantic squid-like Decepticons - however, I've since come to learn that many others, most of whom value and cherish their eardrums, do not share my excitement. And so, the inexorable question that naturally arises from this dichotomy of opinion is; do the striking visuals and constant action make up for the films other shortcomings?

In terms of story, the first 15 minutes are quite engaging where, in X-Men: First Class style, fictional conspiracy is mixed liberally with fact. The inclusion of the space race as a cover for the discovery of the The Ark was somewhat clever. However, from there the story just declines into loose filler for the parts when something isn't on fire. For example, the coincidences that lead to Sam learning about The Ark are so unnecessary, i.e. - Sam's new girlfriend (Carly) works for a millionaire (Dylan) who, to win favour with Carly, sets up a job interview for Sam with Bruce, another millionaire who owns a technology company. Jerry, a senior guy who works for Bruce at the tech company, flips out and gets the top secret info to Sam about the Apollo missions and The Ark... and off we go. It just feels so painfully contrived and drawn out. Why can't Jerry get the info to Sam without all the crap in between? In any case, the plot in action films is normally pretty flimsy so what were we expecting, right?

Next cab off the rank is the acting. In the first Transformers, Shia LaBeouf as Sam was somewhat endearing. In the second film, his jabbering outbursts began to get annoying. In this film, I just want to smack him on the back of the head. Hard. With a cement mixer. Whiny, pathetic characters can only garner pity for about 30% of one film before audiences tire and of it and start yelling at the screen. Three films in and this guy still moans like a little bitch at everything; "A rich guy is macking on my uber hot supermodel girlfriend... I hate living in this trendy uptown loft paid for in full by my uber hot supermodel girlfriend... getting a job is so hard... my parents embarrass me... this Presidential medal for valour is giving me a neck strain." Boo-fucking-hoo. At least when the explosions began to get serious and my eardrums perforated, I didn't need to listen to all his whining anymore.

Exceptional performances are delivered by John Malkovich as Bruce Bezos, Frances McDormand as the Secretary of Defense and John Turturo returning as the wacky Agent Seymour Simmons. However, it has to be said that the stunning-but-woeful Rosie Huntington-Whitley should stick to modelling lingerie and the casting manager should be shot after designating 'Dr. McDreamy' Patrick Dempsey as perfect for the bad guy, Dylon Gould. Annoyingly, the only actor in this film with real acting clout, John Malkovich, was given such a tiny role that he is afforded no chance to really shine. This, on top of the fact that his part had absolutely no bearing on the storyline and had he been removed altogether, it wouldn't have made a single lick of difference to the plot. What they should have done is switched Malkovich with Dempsey, making McDreamy the slightly eccentric nobody and inserting 'Teddy KGB' as the bad guy. Now that would have made more sense.

And finally, we come to the transformers themselves. Once again, as in the second film, a glut of new transformers on both sides pop up out of nowhere. We have no idea who they are and have very little time to learn anything about them. So when the fighting starts, we can't follow who's who and don't know whether to cheer or be sad when the 'red-guy' gets his head ripped off. The complete lack of Megatron and his downgrading to some kind of 'Phantom of the Opera' type retard was also supremely disappointing.

Overall, and like the other Transformer films before it, simply put, Dark of the Moon is what it is - a chaotic action film about giant robots with feelings slugging it out in the ultimate battle of good versus evil. If you want a complex love story, a plot that makes perfect sense, deep characters and Oscar winning performances, you've just wasted $13 my friend. However, if you want crisp graphics, robots being blown to bits, Victoria Secret lingerie model eye candy and explosions that rattle your wisdom teeth, then hold on tight and start that savings plan for a cochlear implant.

Additional Note: Can I just say how jaded I am that in the entire 3 Transformers films, the word 'Energon' was not used once. If I recall, in virtually every episode of transformers I watched as a kid, the Decepticons were after energon, found a way to steal it and started filling cubes of it right as the Autobots turned up to thwart them. Yet, in the films - nada energon. Biggest disappointment of all.

2 & 1/2 STARS