All reviewed films are given a 'Star' rating out of 5. The following is the most succinct way I could describe my complex and rigorous rating system:
5 STARS
Genius, wrapped in luscious perfection, baked for 90 minutes in a moderate oven and served with a delectable drizzle of pure, refined awesome-sauce. Like... really really really good.
4 STARS
Captivating entertainment where you are compelled to keep watching. Like how you just can't change the channel because you need to find out how Macgyver is going to make a nuclear reactor for a poor Mexican village out of a used condom, a poster of John Stamos and a half eaten quesadilla. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, that poor Mexican village now enjoys continual power... thanks to Señor Macgyver.
3 STARS
Satisfying and enjoyable viewing. Similar to when a graceful impala desperately outruns a ravenous cheetah, only to be snapped up by a crocodile 10 minutes later at the watering hole. Ahhhh... the circle of life. Satisfying.
2 STARS
Meh. Gets a participation certificate for 'a solid try' but absolutely will not make the calisthenics team this year.
1 STAR
Avoid like herpes rolled liberally in crabs.
NO STARS
Please, for the love of God, gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon and burn them.
