On Stranger Tides is the latest adventure in the Pirates franchise and proves that while ‘dead men tell no tales’, it appears well paid Disney writers can’t tell a decent one either, savvy? Director Rob Marshall’s mutation of a once intriguing Jack Sparrow into a listless tour guide results in nothing less than pure disappointment.
Captain Jack (Johnny Depp) is tasked with locating the fabled fountain of youth in a race against the Spanish and Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush). In his quest, Sparrow is forced to team up with the dreaded pirate Blackbeard and his daughter Angelica (Penelope Cruz), who also happens to be a feisty old flame.
Sadly, while the opening sequence in London is quite a punchy start to the venture, the story quickly fizzles into the equivalent of a drowsy Sunday drive in a beige Volvo. Undeveloped characters and wandering sub-plots are unapologetically shoe-horned in as gap filler for looming plot holes.
What is noticeably absent from Pirates 4 is the visual smorgasbord that ordinarily draws us in to this grandiose pirate world. Stunning locations akin to Davey Jones’ Locker and Shipwreck Cove, along with fantasy creatures such as cursed ghost pirates, barnacled Dutchman crew and foppily dressed pirate lords are disappointingly lacking. No. Wait. There are two badly pierced zombies and several mean-spirited mermaids. My bad.
Avast! Don’t waste your doubloons, mateys. This tedious humdrumity belongs nowhere else but in Davey Jones’ Locker. Permanently.
2 STARS
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